My Master's favorite Jokes

The Pastor  

On his very first day in office, a new pastor got a 
call from his predecessor in office.  He congratulated 
him on his new charge & told him that in the center 
drawer of his desk he had left three envelopes, all 
numbered, which he was to open, in order, when he got 
into trouble. After a short-lived honeymoon with the 
congregation, the heat began to rise & the minister 
decided to open the first envelope.  His predecessor
advised him, "Blame me for the problem.  After 
all, I'm long gone & have problems of my own, 
and if it will help, point out my shortcomings as
the reason things are bad." That worked for awhile, 
but then things got sour again.  The pastor opened the 
second envelope, which read: "Blame the denomination.
They're big and rich.  They can take it." That worked 
well for awhile, but then storm clouds gathered again, and 
in desperation the pastor went to the drawer and opened 
the third envelope.  It said: "Prepare three envelopes."
      

        FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES  

"Our small son Drew, who had been recently potty-trained,
made this request during his bedtime prayers-.  'God, 
please make my legs longer so I can get to the bathroom 
on time'."
      

After the service, a little boy told the pastor: 
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers 

we've ever had."
      

A friend of mine took her five-year-old girl to church every 
Sunday morning.  Her mother always told her: "We are 
visiting God's house." One Sunday morning in the pew, 
the little girl asked in a loud voice: "how come God's 
never home?"
      

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.  
"Yes sir," the boy replied.  "And do you always 
say them in the morning too?" the pastor asked.  
"No sir," the boy replied, "I ain't scared in the 
daytime."
      

Starting Salary...  

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person 
asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting 
salary were you looking for?" The candidate responded, 
"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the 
benefits package." The HR person said, "Well, what 
would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, 
full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% 
salary, and a company car leased every two years say a red 
Corvette?" The graduate sat up mouth agape and said, 
"Wow! Are you kidding?" And the HR person responded, 
"Certainly...but you started it!"
      

The Darwin Awards  

It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool 
the biggest service by killing themselves in the most 
extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke 
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting 
to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached 
a JATO unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several 
hundred feet above the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner:  Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- 
one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning 
accomplishment.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly.  When he graduated from 
high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming 
a pilot.  Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.  
When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself 
with watching jets fly over his backyard. One day, Larry, 
had a bright idea.  He decided to fly.  He went to the local 
Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium.  The weather balloons, when fully 
inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy 
lawn chair.  He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep 
and inflated the balloons with the helium.  He climbed on for 
a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and 
some drinks, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a 
few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to 
the floating lawn chair.  He tied himself in along with his 
pellet gun and provisions.  Larry's plan was to lazily float 
up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after 
severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord 
anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily 
up to 30 or so feet.  Instead he streaked into the LA sky as 
if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did 
he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he 
leveled off at 11,000 feet.  At that height he couldn't risk 
shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and 
really find himself in trouble.  So he stayed there, drifting, 
cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got 
in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach 
corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot 
first spotted Larry.  He radioed the tower and described passing 
a guy in a lawn chair with a gun.  Radar confirmed the existence
of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency 
procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched 
to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean.  Night was falling and 
the offshore breeze began to flow.  It carried Larry out to sea 
with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the 
helicopter caught up with Larry.  Once the crew determined that 
Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue 
but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they 
neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several 
hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line.  Larry snagged 
the line and was hauled back to shore.  The difficult maneuver was 
flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was 
hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD 
for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a 
reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had 
done it.  Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, 
"A man can't just sit around." 
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
      

 
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, 
is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would 
they still grow?  Only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a 
'practice'?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their 
signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant 
to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is 
eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their 
headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right 
to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
        

NEW WORD DEFINITIONS  

ACCORDIONATED - adj.  Being able to drive & refold a road 
map at the same time.

BURGACIDE - n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture 
& hurls itself through the grill into the coals

BUZZACKS - n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up 
display phones & listening for dial tones even when they 
know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over 
a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching 
over & picking it up, examining it, then putting it back 
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped 
on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 
remove all the germs.

ECNALUBMA - n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in 
the rearview mirror.

ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one 
armrest in a movie theater.

LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" 
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort 
to the "illegal" side.

PHONESIA- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and 
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone 
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're 
only six inches away.
      

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